Tuesday, August 23, 2011

A life worth living.. Really?

When I gave my presentation in St. Louis in that standing room only space, I wanted everyone to hear how those in the streets can live a life worth living with a hand up and not a hand out. 
I am sitting at home today and pondering that philosophy. Life is not easy. Of course, it is easier NOT being in the streets, but still... there are days that are so dark that I wonder if I will ever feel light again. There are memories that need to stay buried. Forever. 

The past few days I have been in a funk. Feeling the darkness creeping up on me. Depression is trying to rear its ugly head. Why now? What is going on?

Then it hit me.

When I was in St. Louis and someone asked me how I got out of that room when the guns were pointed at my full belly.. I could not remember. I never have been able to retrieve that memory. Then I started to go through my memory bank and wondered about those other times that are blank. 

I remember being "in a wall" when my body was being brutalized. I could see things happening to me, but I was not there. The body was vacant. Or was it? There was some piece of consciousness in that body. That piece was talking and carrying on to allow me continue to live. 

I am really afraid of the words that are coming out now.. but it seems to make perfect sense. I do not remember the things that happened to me because I was not in my body at the time. Someone else took over. Someone else came to protect the "me" that I was then and am now. 

I remember the days when I was in intensive psychotherapy and that my therapist told me that I had experienced a "merging" that was the day that I had so many memories flood back into one space. That was the day that when I laughed I could feel my 3 year old, and 7 year old and 10 year old and teen and young adult and mom all become one. The laughter joined me to those pieces that I thought were lost forever.

But now.. I wonder. No. I know. There is more that has been buried. I am not ready for those dark memories. I do not want to know what happened to "me" when I left for three days to escape the tortures and brutality that were performed on my kidnapped body. I want to keep the series of events that occurred behind that locked door, locked behind another locked door. 

I think her name is Saqui. I remember having a kitten by that name and loving the way she was so brave and fierce for someone so small. I believe that Saqui took over my body at those times that I had to leave. 

This is a path that I am not ready for. Not now. I do vow to one day shed light on that darkness, to remove its power and exorcise those demons that still are buried deep, deep inside.

But today I will push on and push back on the depression. Now that I know where it is coming from, I can let it go. For today.


  1. Hi Dakini,

    I saw your post about the photographs of Creedmoor State Hospital on my blog; I tried to find contact information so I could email you directly about this, but your I don't see an email address on your blog - would you please drop me a line at regarding this?

  2. Dakini,

    I can't believe I found you on the internet! There you are in the photo as just as I remember you--the photo is great, but you really looked a lot better in person, no kidding. I was 16 years old when we met on Telegraph Ave. and I think that you were a year older than me. You were very kind to me. We took a trip together to the mid coast (Big Sur?), but I can't remember exactly where, and camped out in a cave. I was very depressed at the time, but it had nothing to do with you. One thing that has haunted me ever since was that I left you there without a word of good bye and returned to Sonoma. It was stupid and inconsiderate on my part and the thought of abandoning you has haunted me ever since. as a result I think about you and wonder how you're doing. I'm so glad that you have made a good life for yourself. You're one hell of a strong woman to have gone through so much and come out well. I'm mainly writing to say that I'm really sorry about leaving you on that beach and hope you can forgive me. I wish you the very best in life and hope you're doing well. I so hope that you see this.

    1. Hello please send me an email

      goddess dakini @ gmail . com

  3. Hello there.. I remember the camping well, and eating some sort of seaweed soup. There were others that came by and I did find my way out (obviously). Please send me your information - I would love to try and fill in some blanks.

    goddessdakini@ g mail . com